Dear George Clooney,

Loved The Ides of March. Thrilling and intellectually stimulating, my favourite kind of film. I like your politics. I like your intelligence and self-deprecating humor. I like your compassion and dedication to human rights. There is much to respect about you. But there's one area of your life that's not as admirable. Of course it's none of my business. And what I'm about to say is possibly judgmental and singleminded, traits I'd like to think I'm not usually known for. But your choice in female companions leaves a little to be desired. They are all very beautiful. And I'm sure they are all lovely, caring individuals. But none of them, or perhaps very few of them, are known for their intellectual prowess. Maybe privately they are engaging in meaningful conversation about the world affairs that seem so important to you, but they certainly aren't publicly. And so, whether intentional or not, you are commenting on the value of women. You are saying that a woman's primary importance is looking good on your arm. This goes to the very heart of ideas about women that have been conveyed by others much more eloquently than I could express. But you get my drift. Part of it, of course, is biology. We are all sexual creatures and I'm not denying the role of appearance in attraction. There's a reason other than your acting skills that I attend your movies, sir. Looks matter. But when a man of your intellect and humanitarian crusading appears to consistently choose beauty over brains, it says something. And whether it's fair or not, whether it's even true or not, you're sending a message. And it's a disappointing one.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear 2012,

Like most people I`ve heard all about how the world is supposed to end on December 21 of your year. And up until now I`ve believed it to be pure nonsense. Up until now that is. That's because last night I had a dream. Or maybe it was a vision. Or a visitation. Creepy. Anyway I'm now convinced the world will indeed end just over a year from now. Which really blows. Here's the how and why of the whole end of the world thing, 2012.
It seems that all of human history has been one giant test. We were plopped on this planet in a primitive state and then the gods began tracking (and taking bets on) how long it would take our species to evolve into fully enlightened beings – the ultimate goal, it seems. I use the term gods, plural, because I saw them. Jesus, Buddha, Ganesh, and a few others I didn't recognize, including someone who kind of looked like Zena Warrior Princess. I saw them sitting around a table eating popcorn and tracking the progression of the human race on a massive 3D HDTV system. Each time the human race makes a significant advancement, the gods check it off on a great master list. I saw it. It's on a scroll. Kind of how I used to imagine Santa's naughty or nice list. I even got to see a few of the entries. Acknowledgment that the earth is round. Check. The end of the Salem Witch Trials. Check. The Age of Reason. Check! Check! The abolition of slavery. Check. Civil Rights. Check. Gay marriage. Check. Uncheck. Check. Un… And while there have been major setbacks (wars, corporate greed, the Kardashians) it seems the gods are generally pleased with the pace at which the human race has been inching towards enlightenment. And in the betting pool apparently Buddha has been cleaning up. But then the event will happen. You won't believe it, 2012. The event will happen on November 6 of your year. On that day Michele Bachmann will be elected President of the United States. And that will bring about the end of the world.
Crazy, right? I mean, shouldn't this be a giant check mark on that list? There have been female leaders in other parts of the world, including Canada (yay!) although briefly. But it will be huge for a woman to finally break through the ultimate glass ceiling in the US, one of the great bastions of sexism. So I was really angry at first. Are the gods sexist too!!?? But then, 2012, it was explained to me. And it makes perfect sense. The problem is that the woman who will finally manage to bust through that ceiling, the woman who will get that coveted spot in the history books, that she herself should turn out to be so anti-enlightenment, so anti-humanity, so anti every bloody thing the human race was supposed to have been striving for... well, it will just prove to be too much. The great cosmic ironic joke of it all will infuriate the gods. I witnessed the scene. It won't be pretty. Popcorn will fly. I heard shouts of WTF! and My kingdom! My kingdom for Hillary Clinton! Anyway, the wrath of the gods will be unleashed. And because of some space-time continuum thing, the wrath won't reach the planet until December 21. And then we'll all be blown to kingdom come. So I'm praying hard, 2012, for an Obama re-election. Or, if that can't happen, the election of one of those sad Republican dudes. I'm praying that history will wait for the right woman to earn that check mark on the great master list. Because it will save us all.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Fall,

How I love you, my favourite season. You are the fresh start, the real new year. The time of inspiration. You are breathable and beautiful and you bring such cherished memories. I'm so glad you're here.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Money,

Remember when I wrote you a while back to say I was making peace with you? Well, turns out I just can't. I've been reminded yet again how diabolical you are, Money. You inspired the News of the World to break into the cellphone voicemail of a teenaged girl who had been murdered, all to get some juicy tidbits to beat their competitors at the newsstands. That's disgusting. Really the lowest of the low. Why don't you just go off and kill yourself?

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Canadians Who Voted Conservative,

Where do I begin? I suppose I could rant and rave, accuse you of supporting a dictator hell bent on seeing the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Or I could mock you, say you've been hoodwinked because the Conservative party you think you voted for no longer exists, that the honourable party of John Diefenbaker and Joe Clark was highjacked by individuals with the same values and respect for humanity as Sarah Palin. Or I could weep, ask you why oh dear god why would you allow our beautiful cherished Canada to fall into the hands of those who would twist and mangle it beyond all recognition? These things I could do but I won't. Instead, my dear Canadians who voted Conservative, I will forgive you. I will forgive you because, obviously, you know not what you've done. Good luck to us all.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Stephen Harper,

You are NOT my Canada. You do not speak for me. My Canada stands for integrity, freedom and compassion. I don't know where you come from but it's time you went back.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Hypocrisy,

I once watched an exchange between Oprah and Maya Angelou. They were talking about the trials of being pecked away at. Meaning, I took it, dealing with people criticizing you, wanting to belittle you or tear you down etc. I found myself nodding in agreement. Yes, I thought, it's terrible to be pecked away at. And then I thought to myself, if this interview was done in front of a studio audience I bet they'd all be nodding their heads too. And then I thought, if it was done in front of a stadium full of people, I bet they'd all be nodding their heads too! In any city anywhere in the world, I thought, people would be nodding their heads in agreement, agreeing that they were tired of being pecked away at. But then I thought, if everyone everywhere in the world is nodding their head, then who the heck is doing all the pecking? A highly-skilled ultra-secret covert group obviously. And then I thought, why haven't we innocent victims gathered up our pitchforks and lanterns and gone after these peckers? Puzzling. Perhaps you could shed some light on this Hypocrisy? It would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Ursula Franklin,

Thank you for your wisdom and inspiration. I admire you very much.




Sincerely,
PC

Dear 2011,

On January 1 I was already expecting you to be special - I set some exciting personal and professional goals for you - but I couldn't have imagined how awe inspiring you would prove to be. Tunisia, Egypt, Libya. I'm ashamed to say I wouldn't have thought it possible. Just when I was believing in the futility of hope for the Middle East, just when I was thinking maybe we'd be better off building a giant wall between us, I've been humbled and proven wrong. It is a privilege to witness what you are unfolding 2011. Thank you for restoring my faith in the human spirit.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Colin Firth,

Congratulations! There wasn't a doubt in my mind that you'd win the Oscar. You truly deserve it. And although you joked that your career has probably just peaked, I'm sure you still have many admirable performances in you. But, for me, your greatest contribution to motion pictures will always be your Mr Darcy diving into the lake and emerging in that lovely wet white shirt. It's what God invented the pause button for. Thank you for fluttering the hearts of women around the world.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear W.S. Merwin,

A friend shared with me a bit of your poem "Berryman" and I will never be the same:

I asked how can you ever be sure

that what you write is really

any good at all and he said you can't

you can't you can never be sure

you die without knowing

whether anything you wrote was any good

if you have to be sure don't write

I had never heard of you but I'm pleased to meet you now.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear Modern Family,

I love you! You always make me laugh and lighten my heart. My mind sometimes wanders to dark places, especially after watching the news, but you always snap me out of it. You're not a frivolous thing Modern Family. You're necessary.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear You,

My favourite memory of you is on a wintry evening. You were brushing the snow off my car and chatting, telling me how much you like winter and how you like to go for walks in the snow. And we just looked at each other. How I wanted you to ask me. But you didn't and the moment passed. I wish I had had the courage to grab your hand and say "Come on." But I was too afraid. Not meant to be I guess. It would have been lovely I know, walking with you, the conversation we would have had. There were so many things I wanted to talk to you about and never got the chance. But you can be sure the next time I'm standing outside with a handsome man and he mentions snow I'm going to drag him down the street! But I'm glad I have my memories of you. They fill my heart and make me smile xoxo

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Money,

I have never been comfortable around you. I've emptied my wallet and pockets of you at every opportunity. No one accumulates a significant amount of you without getting blood on their hands. Evil is too simple a word for what you do. The destruction you cause. The sins you commit. But I have come to understand that you are a necessary evil. The absence of you, the continual shortage of you, does not allow someone to live up to their potential. So I will start allowing you into my life Money. But on my terms. As long as you're with me you'll have a conscience. You'll be benevolent. You'll do some good. You son of a bitch.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Canadian Journalists,

One of the headlines in today's Globe and Mail was "Americans Love Canadian Music." I am so sick of this kind of reporting! Obsessing over how Canada is viewed by other countries, what they think about us, what they're saying about us. Stop it! It's needy and unattractive and it belittles us. We are a great nation. We have nothing to prove! So stop with the inferiority complex and show a little dignity. Mmkay?

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Universe,

For all that you have given me and for all that you've withheld from me, thank you. I know that everything is done in my best interest and it is done with love. I am so deeply grateful.

Sincerely,

PC