Dear Ryan Reynolds,

I was deeply saddened to hear of the end of your marriage to Scarlett Johansson. If you need anything please don't hesitate to call. Any little thing at all. Seriously. Just one Canadian helping another during a difficult time.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear God,

I'd like to reassure You about something. Of course, You're all-knowing so it's not really necessary, but I'd like to put it in writing anyway. I believe in You God. There could easily be some confusion about this, seeing as I'm such an admirer of Christopher Hitchens and he's such a devout atheist. What I admire about the man is his command of the English language. He weaves his words so skillfully and powerfully. Every time I read something by him I feel I'm attending a master class in the art of writing. I agree with many of his ideas, including his issues with organized religion. But I disagree with Mr. Hitchens when it comes to Your existence. I know You are there God. I'm not sure how I know. I just do.
As You know, I grew up Catholic. It's not popular these days to admit this but I actually enjoyed growing up in the church. My experience of it wasn't restrictive or repressive but rather welcoming and comforting. I'm not sure if I struck the Catholic school jackpot or if I was just blissfully ignorant, but I have wonderful memories of those days. But it was at this time that I began to understand there is a world of difference between religion and You. Soon after I became an altar server there was media coverage about the pope not allowing females to serve on the altar while he said mass. I remember hearing this and realizing that if the pope ever dropped by our church I wouldn't be allowed on the altar because I was a girl. And somehow at that young age I immediately understood that it had nothing to do with You. I knew You didn't think less of me for being a girl. It was just human foolishness. It was just religion.
As I've grown older and learned a thing or two I've come to understand that many of the world's most devastating problems have been caused by people attempting to claim You. That's why a writer like Christopher Hitchens is so necessary. He exposes the hypocrisies and dangers of organized religion. He reminds us of the regrettable fact that while extolling the virtues of love and tolerance most religions wind up breeding an overwhelming number of closed-minded and judgmental bigots. Or worse. But that has nothing to do with You. I'm not sure how I know that or why I'm so certain of it. I just am.
So to sum up God, I believe in You. And I look forward to seeing You one day. But not too soon of course! And don't worry, I'm not arrogant enough to insist that You be exactly as I've imagined You. Whomever or whatever You turn out to be, it will be a pleasure to meet You.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Canada,

I count my blessings every day that I'm one of your citizens. You aren't perfect but you're mighty close in my books. I'm deeply grateful for the standard of living I enjoy because of you. There are so many things to love about you Canada. But I think the thing I love most is the fact that, per capita, you have far fewer batshits than the country south of your border. Thank you Canada.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear United States,

If you're not too busy I was hoping you could explain something to me. I've been hearing a lot of talk about the possibility of President Obama being impeached. I was just wondering what's up with that. I'm Canadian, so maybe I don't fully understand how things are done down there, but it seems to me the guy's just trying to clean up a mess he inherited and make sure that when a person has a baby or needs a gall bladder removed they don't have to mortgage their house. But I'm sure it's all much more complicated than that and I'm just not understanding the situation fully. I know you impeached Bill Clinton and I understand that it wasn't his sexual indiscretions that incurred your wrath but rather the fact he lied about them. Although, forgive me for saying so but if every politician in DC had to resign over lying about extramarital sex, wouldn't there be a heck of a lot of job vacancies in your beloved capital? But again, I'm sure there are extenuating circumstances I'm not even considering and that if one of you nice Americans explained it to me it would all make perfect sense.

The real head scratcher involves George W. Bush. Now again, please forgive me if I have this wrong, but best I can figure he lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, outed a CIA agent as revenge against her husband who spoke the truth about the absence of WMDs, defied the UN by invading Iraq, and because of the shenanigans at Abu Ghraib was labelled a war criminal. Now there was some talk about impeaching him but it never amounted to anything. Again, I know this is a very complicated issue. I'm sure you God-fearing Americans can explain why Clinton was impeached, Obama may be, and Bush never was. Your assistance in understanding these matters would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear Regret,

Don't bother knocking on my door. I'll never answer.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Confidence,

Thank you for finally showing up. Because of you the question that has always haunted me, Why me? (also known as What makes me think I'm good enough and Who would ever take me seriously) has finally, mercifully evolved into Why not me? It's about time.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Lady Who Blew Her Nose Very Loudly in the Movie Theatre,

So there I was in the darkened theatre, watching Eat Pray Love and hoping for an aha moment to give my life meaning and direction, when you suddenly blew your nose so loud it echoed through the entire room. I mean you actually startled me. And you didn't do it just once. I counted. There were six crazy loud noseblowing episodes. But I wasn't mad. I'm sure other people in the theatre were livid. But I just marvelled at you. I was in awe. What's it like to have that kind of nerve? What's it like to knowingly cause other people discomfort and not even care? When I'm in a theatre I dab at my runny nose with tissue rather than let her rip. I'm the type who prefers to text or email because a phone call seems too intrusive and demanding. And when I'm sharing a room with someone, if I have to go to the washroom in the middle of the night I try to hold it rather than risk disturbing them. So I guess I should thank you. The movie didn't provide an aha moment but you sure did. You made me realize that the world can be divided into two kinds of people: noseblowers and bladderholders.
You jerks, I mean noseblowers, are the ones who get things done. You build bridges and wage wars and know how to get the caramel into the Caramilk bar. We bladderholders are the nurturers, the dreamers and inventors, the chumps, I mean the shoulders to lean on, when you noseblowers come crying after you've made a mess of things — like spilling gallons of oil or unleashing Speidi on the world. So we both have our uses. And if you could agree to the 7:10 while I take the 10:15, I think we could live in perfect harmony.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Christopher Hitchens,

I hope you are spared too. And forget what I said before. I would have lunch with you. Be well.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear Levi Johnston,

Hahaha! Hahaha! AHHHhahahahaha!!!!

Sincerely,

PC

Dear Carol Burnett,

Thank you.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear Reincarnation,

I'm Catholic (in the modern and intelligent sense) so I'm not supposed to believe in you. But secretly I want you to exist. I'm beginning to think you're the only real way justice can be served in this world.
I'd like to think that because of you a black slave woman from the American South could be reborn as Paris Hilton. I realize some people would view such a life sentence more as a punishment than a reward. But an entire existence dedicated to indulgence without a real care in the world? A slave woman would have earned that life ten times over.
I like the idea that a Taliban monster who throws acid in the faces of little girls as they walk to school could, in the next life, be transported back in time to be one of the many whose intestines Vlad the Impaler placed on a stick. That would be fair I think.
And I'd like to think that Hitler and his Nazi cronies really are spending eternity paying for their sins. But I don't trust Hell to do the job properly. So, if you haven't already dealt with them Reincarnation, I have a suggestion. I think they're a special case that deserves a unique solution. So I think they should spend eternity being placed temporarily into the lives of innocent victims while they suffer. So whenever a woman is being raped, or a child is being abused, or a man is being beaten to death, the evil Nazis can step in and absorb all the pain and agony of the moment. And they'll just keep doing that, hopping from one horrific experience to another, forever. That would be fair I think.
I realize these thoughts are a little bloodthirsty and not very ladylike of me. I guess that's what happens when you watch the news too much. You look at your little nephews and fear all the terrible things that could happen to them. You think of your friend who's a police officer and of all the horrible things he must be witnessing and worry about him to a degree that borders on paranoia. It's exhausting. Maybe in the next life Reincarnation you could make me a 1950's housewife who is blissfully unaware of the problems of the world. I wouldn't mind my biggest worries to be whether little Bobby gets the lead in the school play or if my soufflé rises properly. I realize this isn't very feminist of me. But I don't care.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Bright Side,

I'm always on the lookout for you. He thinks I'm a fool though. He thinks I'm naive because when I walk through a garden or look at art I say there is beauty in this world. He thinks I'm living in a bubble because when I listen to the sound of falling rain or hold a sleeping child I say there is peace in this world. He thinks I'm simple, a real ditz, because when I meet people who are striving to make a difference I say there is good in this world.

He misses the point.

I know very well the evils of this world. I know how dark it can get. That's why when I do spot you Bright Side, when I see a thing of beauty or experience peace or encounter goodness, I stop and admire you and thank God for you. I know your worth. Please don't ever disappear.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear G20 Protestors Who Chose Violence,

Do you have legitimate concerns? Absolutely. Are capitalist pursuits the root of many of the world's problems? You betcha. Will anyone take you seriously after your violent behaviour? No bloody way. You're just a group of mindless thugs who through your own actions managed to render your argument meaningless. Way to go. There's a reason people paid attention to Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr and Nelson Mandela. And there's a reason they ultimately won their struggles. They strove to fight with integrity and dignity — two qualities you pathetic pack of losers are sorely lacking. GROW UP.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear Karma,

I've admired your work for a long time. From Enron to Tiger Woods you always get your man! You even pulled your Al Capone move and finally caught up with OJ. Nice! But poor Toyota. Does the CEO have a bunch of bodies buried in his backyard? And while the oil industry absolutely needed to be dealt with, the nightly news is very difficult to watch. But I have no right to question you. If I may though, I'd like to make a suggestion. The pharmaceutical industry. They've been getting away with murder for like, ever. I think you're needed there Karma.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear Ann Coulter,

On behalf of rational people everywhere, screw you.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Silence,

You mean many different things to me. Sometimes you inspire by giving my thoughts room to expand and multiply. Sometimes you scare by creating a sense of impending danger or heightening the impact of any small sound that suddenly breaks through. Sometimes you soothe by shutting out the jarring noises of life and allowing my senses to settle and rest. Sometimes you speak for me and allow me to show my displeasure without having to resort to unpleasant words. And sometimes you hurt because when I hear nothing from the person I very much want to hear from I know they are saying they don't care about me. You play an important role in my life Silence. For the inspiration and the calm, thank you. For the rest of it, thank you for the lessons.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Fairy Tale,

You have either messed me up royally or rescued me several times. Which means you are either the villain or the hero - I just can't decide which. Because when life gets dark and I feel myself sinking it's the belief that my Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming are on their way that gladdens my heart and lifts me up. I imagine them riding together in a classic Jag with a trunk full of wine and chocolates! But I'm starting to wonder if it's the interminable waiting for them that causes the darkness in the first place. I believe that's what they call a vicious cycle. I'm going to have to figure this out. In the meantime, wine and chocolates are totally real and I can buy them myself so thank heaven for that. I'll let you know, Fairy Tale, when I've made up my mind about you. Until then, whenever we meet I will be polite but slightly suspicious.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear History,

You have so much to teach us. So much wisdom to impart. Too bad your students are all human beings. We've consistently proven unable to learn your lessons. It's not your fault History. You're an excellent teacher. Your method of using repetition as an educational tool is genius. We should all be honour students by now. But no matter what test you give us we're going to fail it. We're not learning impaired. We're just stupid. Sorry about that.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Helen Mirren,

You are fabulous! Those pictures of you in your bikini remind us that the old rules no longer apply. A woman can still be beautiful and sexy in her 60's! So because of you I'm no longer terrified of getting older. Now I'm just uneasy. And that, I believe, is what they call progress. Thank you Helen!

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Dementia,

I hate you. I mean I really hate you. You get your kicks by picking on the weak and stripping away their dignity. Your ego feeds on the pain of family members who must watch helplessly as their loved one withers away. You delight in being the puppet master, pulling the strings and making your slave dance about in the most unsettling ways. You know you are robbing their loved ones of their good memories. You know very well that when your poor slave is finally, mercifully, freed from you it's the images of them trapped in your twisted dance that will remain so vividly in their minds. You are a criminal. You are as evil as Hitler and one day you too will meet your deserved fate. Like the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz your weakness will be discovered and you will melt away. The day is coming. And I hope it hurts.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Christopher Hitchens,

You sure are a cranky ol' bastard. And shocking. You called Mother Teresa a fraud! But I think your voice of reason is necessary in this day and age. And even though you're a sarcastic SOB who smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish, you allowed yourself to be water boarded and primped like a girl for Vanity Fair. So you can't be all that bad! I'd love to have lunch with you and just listen to your views on life. But even if such an invitation were to arrive I could never attend. I'd be too afraid that after our meeting you'd go home and suddenly feel inspired to write a piece entitled "Silly And Irrelevant People I've Recently Been Forced To Endure Lunch With." So thanks but no thanks.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Facebook,

There's certainly a lot to like about you. We can stay in touch with friends and family, share news and photos and comment on each other's lives in the most convenient way. You're so convenient Facebook! In other words, we can stay connected, show we care and be socially polite without having to be trapped in an hour-long phone conversation when we'd rather be watching Criminal Minds. And for that Facebook I will be eternally grateful.

But I'm starting to realize there's a downside to you. You're robbing us of something Facebook. The right to be nostalgic. You are single-handedly wiping out the phrase "long lost." Because of you Facebook we never lose anybody! We are able (and often expected) to stay in touch with every single person we have ever met. You've taken away our ability to wonder "Whatever happened to so and so?" Gone are the days of reminiscing about that cute baseball player from high school and wondering what he looks like now. Because of you Facebook we know exactly what he looks like now. Thanks a lot.

Because it seems like everyone is connected to you Facebook, or at least friends of friends, or at the very least still in touch with someone who is connected. There's no mystery left! We are bombarded with status updates and news and photos everyday. There's no room for "I wonder." And do you know what you've done to fiction writers Facebook? The story of the troubled hero who embarks on a voyage of self-discovery as he travels to find his long-lost love can no longer be written. Because of you it isn't feasible. What's poor Danielle Steele going to do now?

But still, that hour of Criminal Minds watched with a clean social conscience means a lot. So I'll forgive you for the rest Facebook.

Sincerely,
PC