Dear Ryan Reynolds,

I was deeply saddened to hear of the end of your marriage to Scarlett Johansson. If you need anything please don't hesitate to call. Any little thing at all. Seriously. Just one Canadian helping another during a difficult time.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear God,

I'd like to reassure You about something. Of course, You're all-knowing so it's not really necessary, but I'd like to put it in writing anyway. I believe in You God. There could easily be some confusion about this, seeing as I'm such an admirer of Christopher Hitchens and he's such a devout atheist. What I admire about the man is his command of the English language. He weaves his words so skillfully and powerfully. Every time I read something by him I feel I'm attending a master class in the art of writing. I agree with many of his ideas, including his issues with organized religion. But I disagree with Mr. Hitchens when it comes to Your existence. I know You are there God. I'm not sure how I know. I just do.
As You know, I grew up Catholic. It's not popular these days to admit this but I actually enjoyed growing up in the church. My experience of it wasn't restrictive or repressive but rather welcoming and comforting. I'm not sure if I struck the Catholic school jackpot or if I was just blissfully ignorant, but I have wonderful memories of those days. But it was at this time that I began to understand there is a world of difference between religion and You. Soon after I became an altar server there was media coverage about the pope not allowing females to serve on the altar while he said mass. I remember hearing this and realizing that if the pope ever dropped by our church I wouldn't be allowed on the altar because I was a girl. And somehow at that young age I immediately understood that it had nothing to do with You. I knew You didn't think less of me for being a girl. It was just human foolishness. It was just religion.
As I've grown older and learned a thing or two I've come to understand that many of the world's most devastating problems have been caused by people attempting to claim You. That's why a writer like Christopher Hitchens is so necessary. He exposes the hypocrisies and dangers of organized religion. He reminds us of the regrettable fact that while extolling the virtues of love and tolerance most religions wind up breeding an overwhelming number of closed-minded and judgmental bigots. Or worse. But that has nothing to do with You. I'm not sure how I know that or why I'm so certain of it. I just am.
So to sum up God, I believe in You. And I look forward to seeing You one day. But not too soon of course! And don't worry, I'm not arrogant enough to insist that You be exactly as I've imagined You. Whomever or whatever You turn out to be, it will be a pleasure to meet You.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Canada,

I count my blessings every day that I'm one of your citizens. You aren't perfect but you're mighty close in my books. I'm deeply grateful for the standard of living I enjoy because of you. There are so many things to love about you Canada. But I think the thing I love most is the fact that, per capita, you have far fewer batshits than the country south of your border. Thank you Canada.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear United States,

If you're not too busy I was hoping you could explain something to me. I've been hearing a lot of talk about the possibility of President Obama being impeached. I was just wondering what's up with that. I'm Canadian, so maybe I don't fully understand how things are done down there, but it seems to me the guy's just trying to clean up a mess he inherited and make sure that when a person has a baby or needs a gall bladder removed they don't have to mortgage their house. But I'm sure it's all much more complicated than that and I'm just not understanding the situation fully. I know you impeached Bill Clinton and I understand that it wasn't his sexual indiscretions that incurred your wrath but rather the fact he lied about them. Although, forgive me for saying so but if every politician in DC had to resign over lying about extramarital sex, wouldn't there be a heck of a lot of job vacancies in your beloved capital? But again, I'm sure there are extenuating circumstances I'm not even considering and that if one of you nice Americans explained it to me it would all make perfect sense.

The real head scratcher involves George W. Bush. Now again, please forgive me if I have this wrong, but best I can figure he lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, outed a CIA agent as revenge against her husband who spoke the truth about the absence of WMDs, defied the UN by invading Iraq, and because of the shenanigans at Abu Ghraib was labelled a war criminal. Now there was some talk about impeaching him but it never amounted to anything. Again, I know this is a very complicated issue. I'm sure you God-fearing Americans can explain why Clinton was impeached, Obama may be, and Bush never was. Your assistance in understanding these matters would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

PC

Dear Regret,

Don't bother knocking on my door. I'll never answer.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Confidence,

Thank you for finally showing up. Because of you the question that has always haunted me, Why me? (also known as What makes me think I'm good enough and Who would ever take me seriously) has finally, mercifully evolved into Why not me? It's about time.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Lady Who Blew Her Nose Very Loudly in the Movie Theatre,

So there I was in the darkened theatre, watching Eat Pray Love and hoping for an aha moment to give my life meaning and direction, when you suddenly blew your nose so loud it echoed through the entire room. I mean you actually startled me. And you didn't do it just once. I counted. There were six crazy loud noseblowing episodes. But I wasn't mad. I'm sure other people in the theatre were livid. But I just marvelled at you. I was in awe. What's it like to have that kind of nerve? What's it like to knowingly cause other people discomfort and not even care? When I'm in a theatre I dab at my runny nose with tissue rather than let her rip. I'm the type who prefers to text or email because a phone call seems too intrusive and demanding. And when I'm sharing a room with someone, if I have to go to the washroom in the middle of the night I try to hold it rather than risk disturbing them. So I guess I should thank you. The movie didn't provide an aha moment but you sure did. You made me realize that the world can be divided into two kinds of people: noseblowers and bladderholders.
You jerks, I mean noseblowers, are the ones who get things done. You build bridges and wage wars and know how to get the caramel into the Caramilk bar. We bladderholders are the nurturers, the dreamers and inventors, the chumps, I mean the shoulders to lean on, when you noseblowers come crying after you've made a mess of things — like spilling gallons of oil or unleashing Speidi on the world. So we both have our uses. And if you could agree to the 7:10 while I take the 10:15, I think we could live in perfect harmony.

Sincerely,
PC