Dear Newfoundland and Labrador,

Your tourism commercials are brilliant. Each one more breathtaking than the last. It's so impressive. Who wouldn't want to rush to your shores and experience paradise after viewing one of those ads? But I'll tell you this, Newfoundland and Labrador. When I finally step onto your glorious Rock, if I don't spot a cherubic child frolicking dangerously close to the water's edge, or if I'm not immediately struck by colours so heartbreakingly beautiful my faith in a higher power is restored, I'm going to be pissed.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Christopher Hitchens,

I've been putting off writing this letter. The one in which I must say goodbye. I really believed you'd beat the demon cancer. Thought you'd show them all. But in the end you were human. Would never have guessed it by your writing. Your wizardry with the English language continually left me spellbound. I may not have agreed with every single thing you said but I loved the way you said it. Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for making me want to be better. To be smarter and more courageous. We have your wonderfully majestic and brutal words to remember you by. What more could we ask for?

Sincerely,
PC

Dear George Clooney,

Loved The Ides of March. Thrilling and intellectually stimulating, my favourite kind of film. I like your politics. I like your intelligence and self-deprecating humor. I like your compassion and dedication to human rights. There is much to respect about you. But there's one area of your life that's not as admirable. Of course it's none of my business. And what I'm about to say is possibly judgmental and singleminded, traits I'd like to think I'm not usually known for. But your choice in female companions leaves a little to be desired. They are all very beautiful. And I'm sure they are all lovely, caring individuals. But none of them, or perhaps very few of them, are known for their intellectual prowess. Maybe privately they are engaging in meaningful conversation about the world affairs that seem so important to you, but they certainly aren't publicly. And so, whether intentional or not, you are commenting on the value of women. You are saying that a woman's primary importance is looking good on your arm. This goes to the very heart of ideas about women that have been conveyed by others much more eloquently than I could express. But you get my drift. Part of it, of course, is biology. We are all sexual creatures and I'm not denying the role of appearance in attraction. There's a reason other than your acting skills that I attend your movies, sir. Looks matter. But when a man of your intellect and humanitarian crusading appears to consistently choose beauty over brains, it says something. And whether it's fair or not, whether it's even true or not, you're sending a message. And it's a disappointing one.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear 2012,

Like most people I`ve heard all about how the world is supposed to end on December 21 of your year. And up until now I`ve believed it to be pure nonsense. Up until now that is. That's because last night I had a dream. Or maybe it was a vision. Or a visitation. Creepy. Anyway I'm now convinced the world will indeed end just over a year from now. Which really blows. Here's the how and why of the whole end of the world thing, 2012.
It seems that all of human history has been one giant test. We were plopped on this planet in a primitive state and then the gods began tracking (and taking bets on) how long it would take our species to evolve into fully enlightened beings – the ultimate goal, it seems. I use the term gods, plural, because I saw them. Jesus, Buddha, Ganesh, and a few others I didn't recognize, including someone who kind of looked like Zena Warrior Princess. I saw them sitting around a table eating popcorn and tracking the progression of the human race on a massive 3D HDTV system. Each time the human race makes a significant advancement, the gods check it off on a great master list. I saw it. It's on a scroll. Kind of how I used to imagine Santa's naughty or nice list. I even got to see a few of the entries. Acknowledgment that the earth is round. Check. The end of the Salem Witch Trials. Check. The Age of Reason. Check! Check! The abolition of slavery. Check. Civil Rights. Check. Gay marriage. Check. Uncheck. Check. Un… And while there have been major setbacks (wars, corporate greed, the Kardashians) it seems the gods are generally pleased with the pace at which the human race has been inching towards enlightenment. And in the betting pool apparently Buddha has been cleaning up. But then the event will happen. You won't believe it, 2012. The event will happen on November 6 of your year. On that day Michele Bachmann will be elected President of the United States. And that will bring about the end of the world.
Crazy, right? I mean, shouldn't this be a giant check mark on that list? There have been female leaders in other parts of the world, including Canada (yay!) although briefly. But it will be huge for a woman to finally break through the ultimate glass ceiling in the US, one of the great bastions of sexism. So I was really angry at first. Are the gods sexist too!!?? But then, 2012, it was explained to me. And it makes perfect sense. The problem is that the woman who will finally manage to bust through that ceiling, the woman who will get that coveted spot in the history books, that she herself should turn out to be so anti-enlightenment, so anti-humanity, so anti every bloody thing the human race was supposed to have been striving for... well, it will just prove to be too much. The great cosmic ironic joke of it all will infuriate the gods. I witnessed the scene. It won't be pretty. Popcorn will fly. I heard shouts of WTF! and My kingdom! My kingdom for Hillary Clinton! Anyway, the wrath of the gods will be unleashed. And because of some space-time continuum thing, the wrath won't reach the planet until December 21. And then we'll all be blown to kingdom come. So I'm praying hard, 2012, for an Obama re-election. Or, if that can't happen, the election of one of those sad Republican dudes. I'm praying that history will wait for the right woman to earn that check mark on the great master list. Because it will save us all.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Fall,

How I love you, my favourite season. You are the fresh start, the real new year. The time of inspiration. You are breathable and beautiful and you bring such cherished memories. I'm so glad you're here.

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Money,

Remember when I wrote you a while back to say I was making peace with you? Well, turns out I just can't. I've been reminded yet again how diabolical you are, Money. You inspired the News of the World to break into the cellphone voicemail of a teenaged girl who had been murdered, all to get some juicy tidbits to beat their competitors at the newsstands. That's disgusting. Really the lowest of the low. Why don't you just go off and kill yourself?

Sincerely,
PC

Dear Canadians Who Voted Conservative,

Where do I begin? I suppose I could rant and rave, accuse you of supporting a dictator hell bent on seeing the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Or I could mock you, say you've been hoodwinked because the Conservative party you think you voted for no longer exists, that the honourable party of John Diefenbaker and Joe Clark was highjacked by individuals with the same values and respect for humanity as Sarah Palin. Or I could weep, ask you why oh dear god why would you allow our beautiful cherished Canada to fall into the hands of those who would twist and mangle it beyond all recognition? These things I could do but I won't. Instead, my dear Canadians who voted Conservative, I will forgive you. I will forgive you because, obviously, you know not what you've done. Good luck to us all.

Sincerely,
PC