Dear 2012,

Like most people I`ve heard all about how the world is supposed to end on December 21 of your year. And up until now I`ve believed it to be pure nonsense. Up until now that is. That's because last night I had a dream. Or maybe it was a vision. Or a visitation. Creepy. Anyway I'm now convinced the world will indeed end just over a year from now. Which really blows. Here's the how and why of the whole end of the world thing, 2012.
It seems that all of human history has been one giant test. We were plopped on this planet in a primitive state and then the gods began tracking (and taking bets on) how long it would take our species to evolve into fully enlightened beings – the ultimate goal, it seems. I use the term gods, plural, because I saw them. Jesus, Buddha, Ganesh, and a few others I didn't recognize, including someone who kind of looked like Zena Warrior Princess. I saw them sitting around a table eating popcorn and tracking the progression of the human race on a massive 3D HDTV system. Each time the human race makes a significant advancement, the gods check it off on a great master list. I saw it. It's on a scroll. Kind of how I used to imagine Santa's naughty or nice list. I even got to see a few of the entries. Acknowledgment that the earth is round. Check. The end of the Salem Witch Trials. Check. The Age of Reason. Check! Check! The abolition of slavery. Check. Civil Rights. Check. Gay marriage. Check. Uncheck. Check. Un… And while there have been major setbacks (wars, corporate greed, the Kardashians) it seems the gods are generally pleased with the pace at which the human race has been inching towards enlightenment. And in the betting pool apparently Buddha has been cleaning up. But then the event will happen. You won't believe it, 2012. The event will happen on November 6 of your year. On that day Michele Bachmann will be elected President of the United States. And that will bring about the end of the world.
Crazy, right? I mean, shouldn't this be a giant check mark on that list? There have been female leaders in other parts of the world, including Canada (yay!) although briefly. But it will be huge for a woman to finally break through the ultimate glass ceiling in the US, one of the great bastions of sexism. So I was really angry at first. Are the gods sexist too!!?? But then, 2012, it was explained to me. And it makes perfect sense. The problem is that the woman who will finally manage to bust through that ceiling, the woman who will get that coveted spot in the history books, that she herself should turn out to be so anti-enlightenment, so anti-humanity, so anti every bloody thing the human race was supposed to have been striving for... well, it will just prove to be too much. The great cosmic ironic joke of it all will infuriate the gods. I witnessed the scene. It won't be pretty. Popcorn will fly. I heard shouts of WTF! and My kingdom! My kingdom for Hillary Clinton! Anyway, the wrath of the gods will be unleashed. And because of some space-time continuum thing, the wrath won't reach the planet until December 21. And then we'll all be blown to kingdom come. So I'm praying hard, 2012, for an Obama re-election. Or, if that can't happen, the election of one of those sad Republican dudes. I'm praying that history will wait for the right woman to earn that check mark on the great master list. Because it will save us all.

Sincerely,
PC